With symptoms that can include feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure, irritability or anger, difficulty sleeping, decreased energy, and thoughts of death or suicide, it’s a condition that can benefit greatly from family and social support. In fact, some studies have suggested that support can decrease the risk of depression in the first place. But how do you properly support a loved one or friend who’s going through depression? The disorder can be especially tough to understand if you haven’t experienced depression yourself. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, an integrative mental health expert, says that when a friend or family member is depressed, they aren’t themselves in their thinking, feelings, and body, “and that means that every word you say to them really matters.” Licensed therapist Ce Anderson says that since depression is often stigmatized, this can lead to isolation. She says, “Oftentimes, family members don’t believe depression is ‘real’ or they believe the person has a choice in how they feel. Family and friends can be the first line of support or a barrier to progress and healing depending upon their approach. Words can further isolate, paralyze, or offer hope and open the road to recovery. Words are quite powerful and should be chosen with care.” If you’d like to be a positive support in your friend, partner, or family member’s life, here are 21 phrases to avoid, along with some ideas of what to do instead.
What not to say to someone with depression
“Just take a pill.”
Sometimes, medication is not the answer for someone with depression. If they are struggling, chances are that they’ve already carefully considered their medication options with a doctor. Perhaps they would like to focus on other changes they can make instead of being shamed into taking pills. “When we tell someone to just take a pill, we don’t honor what they can do to improve their depression and make those behavioral changes that give someone lasting coping skills,” Capanna-Hodge says. This is when you can ask how you can best support their goals, whether it’s to alleviate their depression through therapy, exercise, or supplements.
“You don’t have anything to be depressed about.”
“Our society often equates happiness to material items, or a lack of negative stress,” Anderson points out. “If there isn’t a disaster or crisis, then I should be happy and not ‘sad.’” Anderson goes on to say that there doesn’t have to be anything wrong—a person’s depression could simply be the result of feeling unfulfilled, low serotonin, or other medical causes.
“Be grateful for what you have.”
Although therapists often encourage people with depression to practice gratitude when they can, this phrase can backfire at times. It can make someone feel extremely guilty. Anderson says that another way to say this is: “You’re so blessed.” She says, “Depression is sometimes seen as the result of being ungrateful and not appreciative of what someone has, which can include family, material items, or employment. Unfortunately, these things don’t create, nor maintain, permanent happiness. You can be appreciative of your ‘blessings’ and still feel depressed.”
“You can’t control your depression.”
People with depression often feel like someone else is in the driver’s seat of their life. It can help someone to know that they are in control of some things, even when their biology says otherwise. “Negative statements actually feed a person’s depression and tell them that there is nothing you can do,” Capanna-Hodge says. “Encouraging someone to take one small action consistently can help someone not look at depression as such a mountain.”
“Depression is always because of genetics.”
Not so. In fact, Capanna-Hodge says that depression is more often the result of a serious or traumatic event, chronic stress and anxiety, or inflammation. “When we ignore the root cause, we can’t help someone get the right treatment,” she says.
“Just get over it.”
This is an uncaring thing to say to someone with depression. “Depression is not something one simply ‘gets over,’" Anderson says. “Therapists work with individuals to process triggers and contributing factors that support the healing process.” In other words, someone can’t just wake up and decide not to be depressed anymore. It requires work, dedication, and time, and you can support your loved one by applauding and encouraging those efforts.
“You don’t need a therapist.”
“No one ever regrets getting help,” Capanna-Hodge says. “They only regret when they don’t. Telling someone they shouldn’t get help when they are depressed is the equivalent of telling someone who is drowning to just swim faster.” As of 2019, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported that 19.2% of adults had received mental health treatment in the previous 12 months.
“Don’t take things so personally.”
Anderson says that this particular phrase assumes that the person is internalizing their experiences and that if they would stop, they wouldn’t be depressed. She says, “It also invalidates the impact of the person’s experiences. [These experiences] are valid and can negatively impact one’s functioning.”
“Happiness is a choice.”
While happiness may be a choice, depression most certainly isn’t. “People don’t choose to be depressed,” Anderson says. “It’s not fun. It can impair one’s entire life and many are incapacitated as a result. It’s not okay to blame or insinuate that a person’s disorder is their fault or that their psychological suffering is a choice.”
“I got over my depression, so I don’t understand why you can’t.”
Depression is a very individualized experience and can vary widely between severity levels. Making comparisons is never helpful for someone with depression, as Capanna-Hodge notes. “It can further someone’s shame by making them feel inadequate,” she says.
“You don’t look depressed.”
All types of people grapple with depression. Dedicated moms, famous comedians, millionaires, teenagers—no one is immune to depression. “Depression can appear in a variety of ways,” Anderson says. “To the neighbor that stays in bed and doesn’t interact with their family. To the overworked, seemingly high-functioning CEO. Looks can be deceiving, so it’s best to take the person at their word should they disclose their difficulty.”
“You have to do this, this, and that.”
Depression is overwhelming enough. When someone suggests a long list of things to do to a depressed person, they will be less likely to take action, according to Capanna-Hodge.
“Pray about it.”
Even though faith can be important among one’s depression-coping abilities, Anderson says that it’s important to honor a person’s spiritual self and psychological self when they are suffering from depression. If faith is important to your loved one, instead of telling them how to go about their journey, you could help them find a faith-affirming therapist or certified counselor within their belief system “so they are supported on both levels,” Anderson says.
“Let it go.”
“If it were only so simple,” Anderson says. “Many times, depression can be triggered by loss of a person, job, opportunity, or dream. This requires healthy grieving, which is a process with several stages. Grief is a healthy part of life, and everyone’s process is different. What one person may not think twice about another may ruminate upon for weeks.”
“You can’t be depressed—you’re going to work.”
Going to work is not an indicator that someone isn’t depressed or is dealing with their depression well. In fact, someone with depression may go through their day-to-day responsibilities and not look any different to you. “Most people struggling with mental health are pretty functional and that doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling in the inside,” Capanna-Hodge says.
“I didn’t know you were crazy.”
“Crazy” is a word that should never be used with someone dealing with a mental health challenge. It’s offensive and hurtful. Capanna-Hodge says, “Judgemental statements never help anyone, and when someone is depressed, they need kindness and acceptance.”
“It’s not THAT bad.”
With an emphasis on “that,” this phrase is still a comparison to a degree of “badness,” and it’s dismissive, as Anderson says. She adds, “We all have our own experiences that are valid without comparison. One person’s threshold for stress tolerance is not the same as anyone else’s—and that’s okay.”
“You just want attention.”
People with depression are far from attention-seekers. They dearly want these symptoms to disappear and to live their lives, without feeling like a burden to others. “This statement is not only dismissive, but it completely invalidates the person’s very real experience and struggle with depression,” Anderson says. “What they may desire is a connection from those who care and offer unconditional support.”
“Natural therapies can’t help depression.”
A depressed person’s toolkit can often be quite extensive. Over time, they learn what works, and what doesn’t, and what may work for your loved one is alternative or holistic therapies, even if you don’t agree with their validity. Capanna-Hodge says, “Dismissing tools, techniques, and therapies that are natural is contrary to the science and really takes tools out of a depressed person’s toolkit.”
“You’re depressed? Well, so am I.”
Again, comparisons don’t help a depressed person, even if you, too, are experiencing depression. As tough as it may be, don’t make it about you when a friend or family member comes to you and says they’re depressed.“Sharing with a friend that you have experienced depression can really help someone feel connected and validated until you overshare and dominate the conversation,” Capanna-Hodge says. “When someone is struggling, they need care and to feel heard, not be over- talked.”
“It could be worse.”
This may be the top phrase to avoid when someone has depression. Because to the depressed individual, it can’t be worse. Their mind has convinced them that this is as bad as it gets. This is an invalidating statement. Anderson says that while a person’s depression can certainly change in severity, it doesn’t mean that the individual’s current discomfort, circumstances, or experience isn’t an impairment or truly difficult for them. She reflects on this state of mind and the support it needs, saying, “Those with depression often feel like there is no hope. Life feels empty, colorless, and tasteless. With the right words, you can be a safe space instead of a source of pressure for the person to fix something they have little to no control over.” Next up, discover the best ways to support a friend with depression.
Sources
Roseann Capanna-Hodge, an integrative mental health expert.Ce Anderson, a licensed therapist.The National Institute of Mental Health. “Major Depression”Journal of Abnormal Psychology. “Prospective Relations Between Social Support and Depression: Differential Direction of Effects for Parent and Peer Support?”Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Mental Health Treatment Among Adults: United States, 2019
