Life is hard, and your partner is the person you depend on to walk by your side through the good and the bad. But sometimes, especially when you are bickering over whose fault it is that you are out of milk or annoyed that they spent the afternoon on yet another shopping spree, it can be hard to hold back when all you really want to do is roll your eyes at your beloved husband or wife! That’s why we love these funny quotes about marriage so much. Poking fun at both men and women alike, this list of quotes perfectly captures the good, the bad, the ugly and the hilarity of being married. We have no doubt that many of them will have you and your spouse nodding your heads in agreement!
85 Funny Marriage Quotes
- “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” — Helen Rowland
- “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” — Mae West
- “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” — Ruth Bader Ginsberg
- “Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called Fifty Shades of Just Okay.” — Conan O’Brien
- “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash
- “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” — Cher
- “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.” — John Wilmot
- “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito
- “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
- “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” — Lyndon B. Johnson
- “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
- “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” — Kathy Mohnke
- “Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will be mad at each other as well.” — Unknown
- “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn
- “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.” — Barack Obama
- “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.” — Benjamin Franklin
- “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
- “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard
- “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
- “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
- “If your significant other is mad at you put a cape on them and say, ‘Now you’re super mad!’ If they laugh, marry them.” — Unknown
- “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” — Winston Churchill
- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Anne Bancroft
- “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” — Cindy Garner
- “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates
- “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” — Unknown
- “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.” — Henry Youngman
- “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” — Michelle Obama
- “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
- “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” — Ogden Nash
- “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” — Rick Reilly
- “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; it is also three meals a day and remembering to take out the trash.” — Dr. Joyce Brothers
- “Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.” — Unknown
- “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: You have to start over again every morning.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
- “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” — Stephanie Ortiz
- “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” — Frank Sinatra
- “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” — Wendy Liebman
- “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” — Unknown
- “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
- “In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” — Woody Allen
- “Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.” — Minnie Pearl
- “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.” — Unknown 43. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” — Lee Judge
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
- “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” — Chris Rock
- “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: Husband!” — Bill Maher
- “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” — Jack Benny
- “Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood
- “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” — Eddie Cantor
- “And do you solemnly swear to protect me from spiders as long as we both shall live?” — Unknown
- “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney
- “Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle.” — Heinrich Heine 54.“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It’s not an adventure. You do more before five than most folks do all day.” — Sinbad
- “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” — Donatella, Letters to Juliet
- “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde
- “Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.” — Unknown
- “Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” — Janet Periat
- “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” — Elizabeth Taylor
- “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke
- “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age—as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
- “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally
- “Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.” — Unknown
- “Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” — Phyllis Schlafly
- “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”— George Bernard Shaw
- “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip
- “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” — Billy Connolly
- “Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” — Rory Elder
- “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
- “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
- “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “One day, my wife’s credit card got stolen. What a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!” — Unknown
- “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
- “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” — Albert Einstein
- “I’d like to publicly thank my husband for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day… ” — Kristen Bell
- “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.” — Unknown
- “I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids”; Molly McNearney
- “My wife had us register for fine china. Because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate. — Jim Gaffigan
- “When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years—we were on the freeway at the time.” — Joan Rivers
- “I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that’s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn’t have that kind of time to train somebody else.” — Steve Skrovan
- “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” — Henry Youngman
- “Being married means mostly shouting, ‘What?’ from other rooms.” — Unknown
- “My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day, I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside: Made in Taiwan.” — Leopold Fechtner
- “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” — Milton Berle
- “Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.” — Unknown Next, check out these inspiring quotes on love, marriage, and happily ever after.
